Friday, October 27, 2006

There was this guy...

Let me tell you a story... one that needs no pictures... or at least there are no pictures to show.

I have, or at least I thought I had IBS :: Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Basically, I eat certain foods or get up tight then I experience the Columbian Rush Hour.

My mother, being my mother and the good Scottish.Italian.Jewish mother she is (she is only Scottish but displays an acute appreciation for Italian and Jewish mothers) forced me to go to the doctors to get it looked into. Seriously, I have cancer and colitis in my family and I want to get it check out early.

So anyway... long story short... I went to Wishaw Hospital for a check up. I took the train because Olly had the girls to pick up from school. 5 mins from the station I was told... yeah, buddy, if you are an Olympic bum-waggling power walker.

But it was all good because I had my iPod and it wasn't raining... Argghh!!! It started to rain... not light rain or decent common-or-garden rain... this was straight-off-the-North-Sea HORIZONTAL rain. My jacket claims to have goretex... yeah right and I play for the Knicks.

I eventually arrived at the hospital to be given the run-around about where I was to report in. I finally reported in and was taken straight away... first time being 15 mins late has benefited me.

I took off my soaking wet jacket and was promptly weighed and measured. I am too heavy but, in my defense, I did have my shoes on and stuff in my pockets... which must have put on at least 2 stone! I didn't mind my shoes being on when my height was taken... and had to fight to get my height rounded UP. I am 5' 5" and proud of my bargaining skills with the lovely Janice... my nurse.

I then had to give a wee sample (sorry for the pun) - I tell you... it takes some dexterity to get it in the cup! Reminded me of Luke "bullseyeing wamprats back home in his T-610" - Next time there is a Death Star needing sorted... I'm yer man!!!

I had to wait on the nurse... so I calmly waited outside the toilet door... only to get some weird looks from the folk in the waiting room. It was at that point that I realised my khakis were soaking from my mid-thighs downwards... and I looked very sheepish as if I had pee'd myself. Nice.

I met with a lovely Indian doctor who was just so sweet! He was adorable... we need more docs with the care and compassion and obvious lack of smell like him.

He took some history and then asked to check my tummy. No worries with that. He then asked me to drop my trews and adopt a fetal position looking at the wall. Whoa..! er... what???

I wasn't emotionally prepared for this... I mean... Its a one way street. He was sweet... he warmed up the lube and told me in advance what he was doing. Did kind of kill the romance but... hey... I was new to this. All I can say is that I won't think about a passage of Scripture in the same light ever again.

Needless to say I shook his hand very firmly afterwards... I have, what appears to be, an inflamed colon... and need more tests. Wooohooo!!! That means a full scope... do you think they'll give me a copy of the video for use as a backdrop for ((deep))???

Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse... I walked out of the doc's room and bumped into my neighbour and pal... who works there as a nurse. I couldn't really get away with "I'm tremendous" when I was asked how I was. All I can say is I doubt I'll get any more long distance lifts with Phil (her hubby) in his taxi.

I took today off work... I have a terrible cold and all the prodding about has really affected things. I dare not cough... put it that way! I have been feeling bloated all night... It turns out that the doc had to push some air into the colon to allow him to see it. Like I need anymore air up there!!! I have been farting like a cow who has just eaten a whole Heinz beans factory. Yeah... Nice!

So... anyway... how was your day???


Anonymous said...

My Brother . . . that is what the fiends did to me. Pumped me with more air, MORE AIR! I'm like a Richard Branson Balloon Trip as it is.

And the scopes, well they're just 5 shades of wrong.

I've always wanted to be a designer, designers always seemed so cool and clever and arty. Seriously ... what appeals to aspiring Butt Professionals? The Hours? The Pay? The Free Lube?

Anonymous said...

Bro, thank you soooo much for the detail. I kinda feel like I was there. If you do get a vid from the scope, you gotta You Tube it ;-)

Seriously though, it sucks that you are feeling sick - may your health be restored soon.

Thinking of you.

caldjr said...

what can I say Thomas - er... thanks? Sorry to hear about your probably best left untold experience. Wishing God's blessings upon your health.
As for my day.... yeah, best left untold. One of those you know...

Unknown said...

do you ever feel you give too much detail?

Jonathan Blundell said...

Sorry for the concerns and worry. God will be with you man.
Did enjoy the story though.

Anonymous said...

Mate, whilst completely empathising with the whole thing (I had a lump on my testicle not so long ago...) you wrote this in the funniest way.

Having been to Wishaw hospital once or twice I can fully imagine the scene, especially the rain!

Where is Olly hanging out while you fumigate the house? :-)

John said...

Thomas, I have read thousands of posts, and this has to be the funniest real life situation, I have ever read!

These kind of posts should also carry a warning... it looks like I have ruined another keyboard with coffee splutters!!!

Keep up the good work, you certainly have a gift here.

Be encouraged.

janey said...

i can just imagine what you were like and me being a nurse .......... im sorry but it has made me laugh.

hope you do feel better and are less "windy"

glad im not staying over this weekend eh!!!!

well for that reason only of course

speak soon janey xoxox


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