I try not to talk about my work... but lately I have felt overwhelmed by what I have to do. Swamped. Inadequate. Incapable. Not smiling as much as I usually do (see above). The last few days have been some of the worst of my life. The pressure is getting to me. I still feel the role is new to me... even though I have been in it for about 6 months or so.
I lead a team of business designers - our job is to shape the product according to the requirements of the "business" we represent. Its hard. I have never managed a team before... and my project experience has always been direct... hands-on... focussed! Now I need to be aware of what's going on... have a breadth of knowledge... defend our position continually from people who, maybe justifiably, want to shape the product to their view... their requirements... instead of the "business" and the customers they represent.
As I said above... I have never managed a team before and I believe, from the feedback I received at a recent appraisal, that I have taken a group of talented individuals and built a great team... a dream team... I enjoy their company and we do a good job. We get it done.
So why are things getting me down? Well... Last month one of the team moved to another team on the project. 1 person down... more work. Could handle it... I suppose.
This week I have been interviewed by an auditor... had my team's work challenged... presented the product prototype to our design forum... and senior management. Been undermined. Oh and an invaluable member of my team is leaving at the end of the month... because of... well, I'd prefer not to say other than neither of us had any control in the matter.
Where am I going with this pretty personal post? (nice ilteration)
Well in all this I have been thinking about this old fashioned painting in the Salvation Army corps in Port Glasgow:
I can't do this on my own... I need my team... but it is more than that. I need the Shepherd... I need His goodness and mercy... as I walk, metaphorically, in some pretty dark places... I don't fear because I know He is with me... I know that He cares!
Life isn't meant to be easy :: just as Mrs Pitt's tat says :: What doesn't kill me makes me stronger! I know the love that surrounds me. My Lord loves me... Olly and the kids love me...and keep me together. My family love me... and my friends love me. You guys in the Nanolog community love me. I am surrounded by this love and it is appreciated ... welcomed... needed!
Where do I go from here? Who knows. How can I replace someone I consider to be invaluable? I need to try... and do it soon. I also need to focus on now... stop dreaming about where I want to be... what I want to do... and centre myself of what I do and where I am now.
The Nanolog is about the whole of me... and I need to realise that my work... what I do now... is part of me, too.
So here's to now! With all its ups and downs... its pleasures and heartbreaks. Here's to being exactly where I am meant to be today.
Sorry for the personal nature of this post... please keep me in your thoughts and prayers... and please work don't sack me for talking about you!