Sunday, January 21, 2007


With every heartache we've traveled so far
Every dark night has a day
For every tear's sake we follow a star
To the shelter of our lives.

Loneliness fades and happiness invades me
With you in my life, you're the way to my serenity

So undaunted you and I have mended
Our seams and plights no situation is gonna steer us away from our eternity

With every heartache we've traveled so far
Every dark night has a day
For every tear's sake we follow a star
To the shelter of our lives.

In a black room, you kissed my aging wound
And I saw without sight the true meaning of what real love can do
When you're with me I'm never feeling empty
I'm filled with your light I'm satisfied I never cease to be surprised with joy for you.

Finding peace in the shelter of your love.
Shelter by The Family Stand

I recently found the CD (Moon in Scorpio) from which this song is taken... and have been playing this song quite a bit.

It was a big song when Olly and I were courting - we even considered it as a dance at our wedding... but its not really that kind of song.

Why is it meaningful tonight? I mentioned in my previous post that I was pretty stupid yesterday... and, well... I regret being me.

Thing is... I am selfish.

The following contains content of a personal nature!

I am selfish. Its another of my demons that I have to confront. You see I honestly believe I am being broken so that I can be remade into someone worthy of my future. That sounds arrogant and I don't mean it to be... I just think there is something I have to do... and I am not equipped to do it in my current state.

How am I selfish? Because I put myself... and other people... in front of my most dearest loved ones. If I am not doing my own thing... I am doing stuff for others. Either way I am not in the here and now that Olly or my we'ans deserve.

Consider this...
Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always "me first,"
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.
From1 Corinthians 13 (The Message)

Love cares more for others than for self... Isn't always "me first"...

I could make excuses... but I won't. I think about me... and put tasks I have to do for people before the simple things that keep families together. I also think about me when I consider my faith... and keep to a level of comfort... instead of taking the step of the faith... out into the unknown that I know I must... we must... take.

Its as if I have bought into the lie that says anything cool... anything new... is worth more than anything real... anything that I have! I want what I don't have... all the time missing the very thing I have.

I broke down today at church. Cried out at the Mercy Seat when a response was called... for the Lord to break me. I am infuriated by my selfishness... and acknowledge my need to change... and yet... I can't. Today was all about commitment and being broken ((we are a week behind at Bellshill - it was the same topic as last week in Hamilton)) and the last wee while finally caught up with me.

It comes back to the other demon I am fighting - procrastination. My avoidance of the difficult things I must do. It all falls into place.

Certain things might seem like a chore... but they are the glue that keeps a family working. You need to work at keeping it working. I am either in the moment or I am not.

Certain steps may also seem impossible... but they are steps of faith in which I do not go in my own strength. Again... I am either in the moment or I am not.

I choose to be in!

That's why I have been playing the song... because every dark night has a day! I have hope. I acknowledge the problem.

I have seen without sight the true meaning of what real love can do... I am satisfied when I am filled with the light of love that I have from my Lord and from my nearest & dearest. And you know something... I am always surprised with joy for what my Lord has done for me... and who my family are to me. I am surrounded by love... and I just need to take hold. Am I worthy of this love? Not on your life! There is no way I could ever be deserving of this kind of love... and that makes it all the more important to ensure I keep a tight grasp on it.

I am looking to the day... for this dark night will end soon. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers.


Anonymous said...

So what exactly was it that caused all this poetry and repentance? :) I know the feeling. Was reading today about truly holy monk from the 3rd century, and I was like, man, compared to this dude, am I selfish exponentially.

Anonymous said...

Shalom, Thomas. Thinking of you and praying for you, brother.

Paula said...

I have never yet met someone who was worthy of love. (I include myself at the front of that line.) Thankfully, true love does not include "worthiness" as a requirement.

Anonymous said...

Thank you Thomas again, for your openess.


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