Sunday, January 14, 2007

Where I am at

I'm up... and awake. I don't want to sleep... not because I will wake tomorrow... I am eager for Sunday (ie today) but because I will be a day closer to Monday... and all the stress work brings.

Its been hard. I am honest when I say work is tough... and I am struggling to see the way ahead. I feel out of my depth... lonely... exposed... vulnerable... and feel I have let myself down. I am under-resourced both with person-power in my team and experience (mine and the team's) and just feel low.

I greatly appreciate the support that Olly, Roy, Dan, Chris, Jon, The Soos, and Bobbito & Diane have been. You don't know how much it means to me to have Olly, Dayna and Miriam to come home to! Indirectly I also appreciate the word John had for today. Made me think...
Don't burn out; keep yourselves fueled and aflame. Be alert servants of the Master, cheerfully expectant. Don't quit in hard times; pray all the harder. Help needy Christians; be inventive in hospitality.

Bless your enemies; no cursing under your breath. Laugh with your happy friends when they're happy; share tears when they're down. Get along with each other; don't be stuck-up. Make friends with nobodies; don't be the great somebody.

Don't hit back; discover beauty in everyone. If you've got it in you, get along with everybody. Don't insist on getting even; that's not for you to do. "I'll do the judging," says God. "I'll take care of it."
Romans 12: 11-19 (The Message)

Where am I going wrong? Where are people like Jon and The Soos going wrong... to have all gone through similar experiences? I bless my enemies... and share the ups and downs with people. I make friends with nobodies and try to be an attentive servant. I live as honestly and humbly as I can.

So why do I want to quit? (Figuratively speaking - I can't afford to leave my job) Why do I feel like I could burn out? Is it because I am like Jonah and running away from the work the Lord has for me? or am I blowing this all out of proportion? being too self-critical... being too perfectionist?

This is the first time I have done a role like this... I have no point of reference... no one to fall back on for advice (relating specifically to the job - I know I have people who I can speak to on everything else)... I am under-resourced and exposed.

I want, above all else, to be more organised... more productive... more focussed! and yet I struggle to get everything done. But then who wouldn't when I am trying to do two jobs and balance a home life.

I'm not sure being so personal is a good thing... but honesty is vital in my healing. Afterall, acknowledging I have a problem is the first step towards healing.

Please surround me with your love and prayers... and when I say "fine" when you ask me how I am... ignore the answer and search for the truth.


Anonymous said...

Thomas, same boat mate - not enough people in the team to achieve the sheer quantity of work required, not enough support to make it through.

Bear in mind that many of the problems you are facing are due to selfishness at a high level - shareholders/company directors want money, thus the company needs to make loads of money, which means they need low overheads and high sales, which means less staff and less support (costs money...), which means demoralised staff, which brings YOU down and affects you AND your family and friends.

Matthew 5v3 in 'The Message' says 'You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and His rule.'

Be encouraged brother - DaddyGod will NOT let you down. He's there, working behind the scenes to keep His child safe and to move you onwards.

John said...

Thomas, Jean and I are praying for you, 'keep your chin up' He will see you through this.

Be encouraged.

Unknown said...

The jonah comment really hit home to me,its something i can really relate to, i dont know if its the same for you, but i ran away from what I was being asked to do.

I totally understand why you arent sure and all I can say is trust that god will guide you in what he wants you to do. If you are running away from him, even subconciously, he'll catch up with you at somepoint, he invented running!

God works all things for the god of those who love him, you'll look back on all this turmoil one day and it'll just click, it was all part of the plan.

praying for you always, see you wednesday!

Anonymous said...

you are in the fire being purified seven times over. stay with it we're praying for you oh Naught de headphone. and when you become a pastor, I'll be there for the ordination.

Anonymous said...

I'll be praying for you m8.

Let yourself be broken, that way when God fills you up, he'll be pouring out left, right and centre.

Anonymous said...

I feel you bro. I'm not going to attempt to offer answers, just prayers. Keep believing, Thomas, and know that others are believing for you, and with you, for all the good things he has in store for you.

Anonymous said...

Wow .. thanks for your honesty.

Because we tend to keep these feelings to ourselves, we can feel like we are the only ones who go through such things.

Next time I feel down, I'll think hey - that cool Thomas guy also felt the same, so I just might get through this ;)


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