Its been hard. I am honest when I say work is tough... and I am struggling to see the way ahead. I feel out of my depth... lonely... exposed... vulnerable... and feel I have let myself down. I am under-resourced both with person-power in my team and experience (mine and the team's) and just feel low.
I greatly appreciate the support that Olly, Roy, Dan, Chris, Jon, The Soos, and Bobbito & Diane have been. You don't know how much it means to me to have Olly, Dayna and Miriam to come home to! Indirectly I also appreciate the word John had for today. Made me think...
Don't burn out; keep yourselves fueled and aflame. Be alert servants of the Master, cheerfully expectant. Don't quit in hard times; pray all the harder. Help needy Christians; be inventive in hospitality.Romans 12: 11-19 (The Message)
Bless your enemies; no cursing under your breath. Laugh with your happy friends when they're happy; share tears when they're down. Get along with each other; don't be stuck-up. Make friends with nobodies; don't be the great somebody.
Don't hit back; discover beauty in everyone. If you've got it in you, get along with everybody. Don't insist on getting even; that's not for you to do. "I'll do the judging," says God. "I'll take care of it."
Where am I going wrong? Where are people like Jon and The Soos going wrong... to have all gone through similar experiences? I bless my enemies... and share the ups and downs with people. I make friends with nobodies and try to be an attentive servant. I live as honestly and humbly as I can.
So why do I want to quit? (Figuratively speaking - I can't afford to leave my job) Why do I feel like I could burn out? Is it because I am like Jonah and running away from the work the Lord has for me? or am I blowing this all out of proportion? being too self-critical... being too perfectionist?
This is the first time I have done a role like this... I have no point of reference... no one to fall back on for advice (relating specifically to the job - I know I have people who I can speak to on everything else)... I am under-resourced and exposed.
I want, above all else, to be more organised... more productive... more focussed! and yet I struggle to get everything done. But then who wouldn't when I am trying to do two jobs and balance a home life.
I'm not sure being so personal is a good thing... but honesty is vital in my healing. Afterall, acknowledging I have a problem is the first step towards healing.
Please surround me with your love and prayers... and when I say "fine" when you ask me how I am... ignore the answer and search for the truth.